Broken Marriage Vows

Pastor Chris,

I have broken my marriage vows. I have seduced a younger man who is single. I love my husband and our children but do not know if I want to stay married. I have contacted a lawyer. Do you have any advice for me?

– Jane Doe


Dear Jane,
You are on a dark, destructive path. The following points are given to you in no particular order.

• Count the cost (Luke 14:25-35). Whatever decision you make has an impact on many people, including your children. That impact will last a long, long time.
• Ask yourself: What would Jesus do?
• Read Psalm 51 multiple times. Let its words wash over you. King David wrote this after his adultery with Bathsheba and the murder of her husband was exposed.
• Read John 8:1-11. Pay special attention to verse 11. You can stop sinning if you choose to do so.
• Review 1 John 1:9.
• Think about what your actions are doing to the man who is not your husband (Proverbs 6:32; 7:21-27).
• You cannot continue in sin and be happy. Happiness is a by-product of a right relationship with Jesus. You can choose to be happy in Jesus. Read Matthew 5:3-12 putting the word “happy” in place of “blessed.” (The Greek word can be translated both ways.)
• Sin blinds, binds, and then grinds. That is what happened to Samson (Judges 13-16).
• Remember, this life is less than a millisecond when you compare it to eternity. Abundant life is found in Jesus alone, not other people (John 10:10).
• The devil is your enemy. He is a liar and a deceiver (John 8:44). You can be sure that the devil is lying to you and has deceived you. That is what the devil does. The devil offers cheap thrills. R.G. Lee said in his memorable sermon Payday Someday, “The devil will give you corn and then choke you with the cob. The devil’s pearls are paste pearls.”
• Put on spiritual armor (Ephesians 6:10-18).
• It is always best to return to the Lord (Joel 2:13; Zechariah 1:3).

May your heart be filled and renewed with the love of Christ!

Pastor Chris

I don’t Feel Right about Marriage

Thank you pastor for this great opportunity. I am in a relationship with a man who brought me to church. He has made a huge impact in my life and has been of help financially. He says he wants to marry me. He is God fearing and a good person but he also wants to marry another woman in the same church I attend. He says that marrying her will secure his business in that country because we (he and I) are both foreigners. He said he would marry me and take me to our real country while he would be doing his business in the other country. Pastor sir, I love him but I don’t feel right about the whole arrangement. What should I do?

~ Blessing


Dear Blessing,

Thank you for your question. The Bible tells us in Genesis 2:18-23 that God made one woman, Eve, to be the wife of one man, Adam. God did not give Adam several wives. God did not give Eve several husbands. You are correct when you say that you do not “feel right about the whole arrangement.” That feeling is from God’s Holy Spirit. It is God Himself that is stirring your heart. You will bring much trouble on yourself if you give in to this proposal. You will also be going against God’s original and best plan for marriage.

Pastor Chris

Is there anything wrong with marrying older than yourself?


Pastor Chris,

Is it wrong to marry a lady who is a year older than me? She is my female best friend ever since I was a teenager. A pastor once said, “Marry your best friend.” She inspires me and motivates and we also are pursuing the same goals.

~ Daniel Okpu


Dear Daniel,

Your pastor has given you some sound advice. From what you describe, God has blessed you with a wonderful lady. The age difference of one year is not an issue.

~ Pastor Chris

Recommended book about marriage: The First Years of Forever by Ed Wheat

Is it ok to get a marriage license at a later date?


Hello Pastor Chris,

My fiancé and I were wanting to get married now and get a marriage
license at a later date. We want to honor God in Holy matrimony but we
are not sure if He would bless our marriage if we did it this way.
Please let us know what the Bible says.
Thank you and God bless!




There is a secular aspect to marriage and a spiritual aspect to marriage. The secular aspect of marriage has to do with the laws of the state. In Texas, counties issue marriage licenses which make it legal for a minister to officiate a wedding. In other words, the state accepts what a minister does as legally binding for secular purposes. In the eyes of the law, therefore, a marriage license is a type of contract. This is one place where church and state cooperate.

Concerning religious obligations and secular obligations, Jesus said: “Give to Caesar what is Caesar’s, and to God what is God’s” (Matthew 22:21, NIV). Jesus was talking about paying taxes in this verse, but the principle holds true for other applications. A follower of Christ is expected to obey the secular laws of the land (Romans 13:1-2). The exception to this principle is when a secular law comes in conflict with God’s law. In that instance a believer obeys God rather than man (Daniel 3:13-18; Acts 4:18-20).

The spiritual aspect of marriage has to do with two key things: 1. the fact that God Himself brought Adam and Eve together (Genesis 2:18-25); and, 2. the fact that marriage is a picture of Christ and the church (Ephesians 5:22-33). Spiritually speaking, in a Christian wedding we are remembering that marriage is given to us by God and that marriage is to be lived out in the same way as Christ loves the church, with sacrificial love.

You write: “We want to honor God in holy matrimony.” You will do that in the best way by getting a marriage license to show that you are obedient to the laws of the state (as God expects you to do); and, by having a Christian wedding ceremony that points those in attendance to the God who established marriage and the home. This will show others that you are followers of Christ and will encourage them to follow Him, too.

Pastor Chris

The House of Virtue: Enter Here

– By Jonathan Conner July 2012

People today enter marriage for many reasons, among which are love, finding one’s “soul mate,” fulfillment, and companionship. Disturbingly, “growing in virtue” never makes the list. For generations marriage was viewed as a house of virtue in which males and females matured. In his book The Meaning of Marriage, Tim Keller writes, “Older cultures taught their members to find meaning in duty, by embracing their assigned social roles and carrying them out faithfully” (p. 28). This is no longer the case. Today, as Keller explains, “Instead of finding meaning through self-denial, through giving up one’s freedoms, and binding oneself to the duties of marriage and family, marriage [has been] redefined as finding emotional and sexual fulfillment and self-actualization” (p. 28).

Marriage and relationships have, in essence, become a substitute for God. Keller writes that we live with “the illusion that if we find our one true soul mate, everything wrong with us will be healed,” but, as Keller points out, “that makes the lover into God, and no human being can live up to that” (p. 42). Instead of seeing marriage as a sacred institution given by God for 1) the development of character through the conquering of vices and honing of virtues, 2) the procreation of children, 3) the reflecting of God’s nature, and 4) the betterment of society, couples marrying today view marriage as a private arrangement for personal gratification (p. 28).

As a result, they no longer see marriage as an entrance to a house of virtue, but as a continuation of their personal field of freedom. When marriage limits their freedoms or fails to fulfill their personal desires, they divorce. And they are scarcely shaken by the immensity of the act. In their mind their needs simply weren’t being met, so they leave in hopes of something better, scarcely considering the witness they’re making to marriage’s “profound mystery” of which St. Paul speaks in Ephesians 5.

This is made worse by the widespread practice of cohabitation. Hoping to move men closer to marriage, women often welcome the arrangement, but as Keller details, “Cohabitation gives men regular access to the domestic and sexual ministrations of a girlfriend while allowing them… to lead a more independent life and continue to look around for a better partner” (p. 31). Some believe marriage stifles masculinity. True masculinity, however, isn’t demonstrated through independence and self-assertion; true masculinity is learned through interdependence and self-mastery. Keller cites an op-ed piece in the New York Times, which rightly explains, “For most of Western history, the primary and most valued characteristic of manhood was self-mastery. … A man who indulged in excessive eating, drinking, sleeping, or sex—who failed to ‘rule himself’—was considered unfit to rule his household …” (p. 32).

At heart men’s true need is respect (women need self-sacrificial love). Wives who readily respect and admire their husbands through their speech and body language greatly assist their husbands in their mission of self-mastery and loving sacrifice. Husbands who practice the virtue of loving sacrifice greatly assist wives in their virtuous loving submission. At bottom this requires godliness in husbands and wives, the very thing marriage is designed to produce. Gary Thomas, author of Sacred Marriage, explains, “Godliness is selflessness, and when a man and a woman marry, they are pledging to stop viewing themselves as individuals and start viewing themselves as a unit, as a couple. In marriage, I am no longer free to pursue whatever I want; I am no longer a single man. I am part of a team, and my ambitions, dreams, and energies need to take that into account” (p. 77). Ultimately, Thomas writes, “We must not enter marriage predominately to be fulfilled, emotionally satisfied, or romantically charged, but rather to become more like Jesus Christ” (p. 96). And surely this is a house of virtue every married Christian couple wants to enter.


Pastor Jonathan Conner of Zion Lutheran Church in Manning, Iowa, serves as Vice President of The Hausvater Project.


Suggested citation: Conner, Jonathan. “The House of Virtue: Enter Here (Marriage).” The Hausvater Project, July 2012.

I'm Not Sure What My Wife Wants Anymore…


Here is my situation. My wife had a hysterectomy almost two years ago. I think October is two years. Here lately she is telling me she doesn’t love me anymore. I am not what she wants anymore. She doesn’t want this life anymore. Says she doesn’t desire me sexually anymore but then there are days she does but says it means nothing. Says she is planning to leave me she has a lawyer. Is this normal? Anyone else relate to that? Just wish someone could tell me what is going on and that it will be okay and how long this will last. Also our finances are a wreck with student loans and credit card debt any financial assistance out there by chance? She is wanting a new house that I would love to provide but know we can’t afford.. I am praying and believing God for a miracle. Anyone care to stand with me? Any words of wisdom?
Scripture? Anyone hearing from God on this and have something from him to tell me? Sorry to dump all this on y’all but I need help.
Sending this out to lots of people and hoping for a lot of replies. Please understand if you do respond it may take me a few days to get back to you because I work six days a week.


Tim, let me urge you to speak with your pastor face-to-face. There are many complexities to your situation and you need someone to walk with you as you go through it. Be assured that God knows what is going on and that nothing is too hard for Him (Genesis 18:14). Keep seeking the Lord. He knows the way and will help you find it.

Your wife has had a lot of trauma to contend with concerning her surgery. Surgeries can wreck havoc on the emotions even after the physical healing is complete. Be patient with her, pray, and make an appointment to see your pastor together.

Pastor Chris

Is It Right for a Pastor to Divorce His Wife?

Good day sir, pastor I thank you for this wonderful opportunity. Pastor my question is ‘is it right for a pastor to divorce his wife’.

~ Empress



God has spoken clearly on the matter of divorce. He hates it (Malachi 2:16).

~ Pastor Chris

Is it ok for my husband to look at personal ads on craigslist?

Pastor Chris,

I have been married for 25 years my husband has committed adultery we have been able to work through it we do Pastor a church and trust God I recently discovered my husband is going on craigslist and he is in the personal add under women seeking men and casual relationship he seems to think this ok because he is just reading but because of his issue with being involved in several affairs i feel like he is wrong for being on this site to me he is cheating once again. please help is this ok according to the word of god.


Dear Sister Perkins,

It is NOT alright for your husband to be reading such material. Such activity violates Genesis 2:24 which teaches that a husband and wife have an exclusive relationship. By reading such material he is diverting emotional energy to a fantasy world. He is forsaking his God-given marital responsibility to care for your emotional needs. He is selfish and is playing with fire.

The husband/wife relationship is sacred. It was established by God and is an illustration of Christ’s love for the church (Ephesians 5:25-32). Christ loved the church sacrificially (agape). Husbands are to love their wives sacrificially, too.

Your husband needs an accountability group of men that he reports to every week. He has an addiction. People with addictions usually do not overcome their addictive behaviors alone.

A helpful book for both of you to read is Every Man’s Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time (The Every Man Series)
. I strongly encourage you to get a copy of this excellent book.

Pastor Chris

Is it wrong for my boyfriend to live with another woman?

Recently I have been needing to ask a strong Christian for their opinion / ideas around a personal issue but have struck out so I thought I might ask the online experts.

My boyfriend and I live on residence at College (university) where we met last year. Next year we will be moving out, separately, with friends (we believe we should not live together before marriage).
However, he has decided to live with one of our mutual girl friends, to which I am not suspicious because I trust them both entirely. My issue comes from the notion that in the future, if / when we are husband and wife, I would not be able to forget that he had another woman fulfilling the duties that his wife should (because I know this girl and she is a very mothering/taking care of a home type) before I would get to.

Is there any credibility to my feeling this way at all and does the bible say anything much about how conservative we should be living before marriage?
For instance, I would never even consider moving out with a man prior to marriage, but nowadays, is it so wrong that he doesn’t think it wrong to live with another woman?

Thanks for your consideration and time,
Anything will help.

God bless,




The Bible says that we are to “Abstain from all appearance of evil” (1 Thessalonians 5:22, KJV). For your boyfriend to live in the situation you describe is to violate this verse. Observers would see their living arrangements and assume that intimacies were taking place outside of marriage even if they were in fact not happening. Our witness to outsiders is vital if we want to win them to Christ.

Pastor Chris

Am I allowed to read the Bible?

i have been told by my husband (we’re separated at this time) that because i am not saved, i am not allowed to read the bible and if i do read the bible it has to be kjv as that is the correct version to read.

in 1996, when i was 16, i was baptized and saved. but i don’t consider it being saved because my youth minister at that time came to me and stated that my mother would love to see me be saved. i really didn’t feel ready then but i went a head and did it anyways. i did feel better afterwards though. that great feeling one gets when the spirit touches them.

now today my husband is telling me that if i move back in i have to read from a kjv bible (problem is i can’t comperhend the kjv bible but can the niv and nkjv) he also stated that we would attend church. i have nothing against church but every one i have been to in my area i never felt good about and i feel i should go to a church that i feel good about not of what he (husband) wants.

my husband also tells me that because i read the bible and have not been saved that i am playing god and the church.

i haven’t stepped into a church for over a year and reason being is that i don’t feel that movement in that church. that spirit. another reason is that i have an anxiety disorder and it is hard for me to go places without having an attack.

i am confused on all of this. am i allowed to read the bible even though I don’t attend church and haven’t been saved since 96?

i also have been told by my husband that i am not allowed to talk to god because i am not saved and because of my sins. i feel that he is wrong. i talk to god all the time. i pray. i don’t think god would turn his back on that. or am i wrong?

and what version of the bible should i read from? my husband states that kjv is the only one i should read from and that all the other bibles are false.



The Bible was written in Hebrew, Aramaic, and Greek. Every translation is exactly that, a translation. A translator or a translation team seeks to take the words of one language and put them into the words of another language.

The King James Version is a good translation. The problem is that English has changed. We speak and write English differently than the translators of the KJV in the year 1611. It is good to read modern translations of the Bible and compare them to each other and to the King James version. I have several versions of the Bible in my study and read from all of them.

As to your comments about salvation, I refer you to the search feature of the Ask Pastor Chris website. Type in the word salvation and some articles I have written on that subject will come up for you to read and consider.

As to reading the Bible, YES, read it! The Bible is God’s word and He uses it in our lives. God’s promise is that His word will not return to Him “void” KJV or “empty” NIV (Isaiah 55:11). The complete verse reads, “so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it” (NIV).

The Bible tells us that the church is the body of Christ. Just as a human body will not function at its best without all of its parts, so the church does not function at its best without all of its parts (1 Corinthians 12). We are also encouraged to not give up “…meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching” (Hebrews 10:25, NIV).

Prayer is a privilege. When we pray we are share our heart with the Creator of the universe and He shares His heart with us! Prayer is like a conversation. Any good conversation requires listening and speaking. When we pray we reach out to God and we find that He is reaching back to us. YES, pray!

I want to encourage you and your husband to meet with a pastor or a Christian counselor for additional support as you face these issues. Focus on the Family is a reputable ministry you can contact to secure referrals for trustworthy biblical counselors in your area.

Further, I recommend these books for you and your husband:
Straight Talk to Men and Their Wives; What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women

What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women

What Husbands Wish Their Wives Knew About Men

God bless you!

Pastor Chris